Ok, had it a little rough. Spent the last year or so getting myself out of debt. Got into debt out of faith and it sure was an arduous but most wonderful journey. Shortly after spending on CCVG, which was something that didnt happen, I moved into Cp and had a fairyland experience with 10 other people. Somehow i couldnt trust the others to take care of the boy enough to continue
giving tuition. It also happened that I fell sick on the fateful day i was supposed to go for an assignment and that just ended my relationship with janice, the agent. Throughout my stay, I continued to work hard on renewable energy, putting that second after getting yoogz’s education back up to scratch and above other things like putting food on the table. It was really fun then cos i would slip out of the magical premises after yooga had fallen fast asleep for a cup of tea downstairs and receive strange sightings, imagine the
lord of the rings. We also had a mini cinema and a look out point, and people started spending more time at home. I believe we had the wildest scenes indoors in Singapore. But no pictures allowed, rules similar to invitation only clubs. We had a bit of discotheque once and yooga would fall from the upper bunk to two naked adults and continue sleeping very soundly despite the very loud noise every now and then. After hearing the noise on the very last night of our stay, one of the very beautiful girls who stayed in the same flat said to me:” you need to know someone well before you do juju.” juju is Tagalog for sex, I guess. I wonder how she knew that i tend to head straight to the bedroom quite very soon. I think it came from my mom, who just wants to cut the crap all the time. She does not believe in marriage. It’s just get on with it and leave. Never mind about the flowers. She has got lots of flaws and I can’t believe she has resorted to praying daily to statues she has relocated to the dark dark storeroom. I pray for her now. She’s providing food.
Back to where I was at CP: After lots of praying and living 3 months to the fullest ( I didn’t exactly like the idea of pilot on mars very much, or even the alternative of having li’s kid), miraculously, i got hired by Recharge, a renewable energy newspaper. This happened a month after being thrown out of Claire’s. I can’t believe what I was thinking, how i got evicted, but it’s just so hard to take anything seriously in Singapore, until I started work at the trade newspaper,which was 10 heartbeats too fast for someone who was recovering from eviction and getting things at home with grandma and a new househelper, citi, the girl who is to be my twin but not my soul mate, sorted.
Initially thought that the Indonesian girl, having lived in Singapore long enough, should have the capacity to act in accordance to schedule and common sense. Unfortunately, no. Everything felt very awkward and despite citi, my aunt’s apartment remains sans citi like.
Cant blame the girl. It has always been her job to simply follow orders and tolerate harsh treatment. It is a sin to think. On the 15th of Feb, when I held the paper and it felt thinner, i knew the lack of ad bookings had taken effect. At a 5% discount,max 25% discount, there werent takers. I panicked and decided to read the paper outside the office after visiting the Raffles hospital for a sore throat I got from an overdose of chips. I was at the lobbyof Hotel Ibis, plastic sandals straddled my feet. And unsurprised, a day later, I got the birthday fire from the job. I mean, i was such a drab at work, and I couldn’t even afford the wallet the boy sitting behind the partition from my desk carries. He declared it to cost some 10,000s of Singapore dollars and it has such a sophisticated brand, I cant even remember the three syllabled name. “we are of a different class.” he said. “don’t talk to me.” hurt beyond repair, I went on to work everyday like that. Wanting to fit into the group of nice nasties, not wanting to offend, yet feeling thrown off by how I should and shouldn’t give comments at the same time. It was simply perplexing. These people drive and own real homes. that made me want to work things out at home. I took half a day off on the 15th and bought the thinnest mattress in the market for the upper bunk of the bed in citi’s room, telling myself that I would need at least a bed space to get rested and then to work properly. But before resting properly can happen, I had to be in her room physically so that she can see herself as an equal human being and treat herself better so, and hopefully that would stop her treating me so awkwardly.
Maybe she was used to treating herself as a thing. She even slept like a thing. So I slept in the daytime once so she gets it. I thought to myself this girl doesn’t really know what it means to be human. It’s really hard to come back after a full day to see the thing taking care of the boy in a thingly way. Just so unfortunately, job and jibe waits for no man, and I was fired before Citi and home matters had the time to fall into place. To put it objectively, not being too hard on myself, i didnt fulfill the 40 phone calls I was told to make. Which is ok actually when you think each call is to be just 5 mins. But it felt very hard with a lot of other things that are very wrong happening in the background.
To be honest with you, I stopped painting the picture with li permanently in it when i found out shortly after moving in that it was all about politics.
I mean, he can enjoy the highs and thrills of the game, but all i wanted wa
s to be a homemaker and not some go between gal of sorts and having an impact beyond a comfortable measly few. I felt betrayed, he called me a poisonous chef. To know that all he really wanted was a pilot on Mars, which was clearly not what i was sold into when i moved in. When i knew that was the intention, i quickly shuffed thoughts of a permanent home life with the said man living on whatever little he can provide and told myself that be it, even if it were to be just 3 months if they cant wait till i get a job. But I wanted to live a magical experience with the 10 and Li for as long as it lasted. I then gave him a gigolo status, fair for one living close to a life of a female equivalent. That started me thinking about how to treat gigolos. I wonder how women can care about gigolos. I mean men can care about prostitutes by not forcing them into the act too abrubtly, and buying lube. you know, if the gigolo cant get it up, he just cant get it up. He had been on serious viagra without my knowledge previously so no reason to put me on a Petri dish for an investigation into the violation of human rights. But when I really needed it and he just couldn’t get it up, I told him to get some on the streets of geylang, zen’s secret society kakis should be able to provide some, but he said no and just to look out for an old man operating out of a suitcase. The description sounded like me except that I am not male. I thought it would actually be easy to hunt down the man, without given characteristics of the fellow, and get a stash of the pills most discreetly. But I couldnt. I checked up the side effects of Viagra. Bad for men’s health, no wonder they arent available OTC. Can’t bear to hurt the guy. Looked up perky gigolos in Singapore and considered getting paid by being on the receiving end instead. But nothing realized. I am glad they didnt cos then I got the opportunity to find out for myself that a lot of sex that happens is cheap fun conveniently available exercise. I’m glad I found out now, after withdrawal, that there are clearly 3 elements in sex: physical fitness which helps to release tensions and frustrations, (let it all out, cry, fall flat and black out), fun with someone you like a lot (you can get really creative but not at hotel 81 since it’s not equipped) and a connection with the special someone. The letting it all out expels toxins and many times, you get a better complexion. Having fun is why sex is called adults’ play, and having that connection is what sets a relationship apart from the ordinary. In modern life, when we are not out there in the wild just hunting for food, getting garments for warmth and setting up tents for safety, and when the only social life existent is not just the big family the man creates with a dozen wives, which provides much needed drama, and their children, we are in touch with people all day in the civilized society people call the city. Unfortunately, animals are at most pets or in the zoo. They don’t roam. Yoogzi was expecting real animals when we went to the Jungle cafe at little India quite recently. I had to tell him that we were going to dine with animal statues. That said, in the modern age when the most profit and image making part of businesses are housed in cities (pr,marketing, sales departments), successful people tend to be social butterflies who hold no shame. I remember an ex colleague saying how she thought the boss Alf, was horrible as his wife would always be walking in his shadow. Alf didnt care what people said. He would be what people call shameless to the core, and very successful.
Putting the above together, People, being people, get exposed to all sorts of people. The more people you know, the better you are positioned in society. you will more often than not always experience the attraction of the opposite sex. Ex boss Sui at Eudora said this to me once: there will always be an attraction between men and women. That’s why we are made different. Initial attraction is one thing. Defining the elements so the relationship remains healthy and strong is another. So when you think about it, if a couple can get the above sorted, differences in opinion may be a daily struggle, but highly unlikely that bonds will break. But of course they are just hollow hypothesis. I have never lived a healthy relationship. It is getting increasinglydifficult to be sensitive to this especially in my blood tied family where w=
e are supposed to be desensitized and un-emotionalised. My cousin asked once when she hugged someone in the family:”do you feel anything?” And the answer was,”no.” which is the correct answer.
Even though i got fired in the end, I was glad I promised my full commitment to holy man leo stornes and gave up my my blog for the entire period of my employment, was led to take over duties by dinosaur Rex, who was a really nice guy and can smile under any circumstances. During my employment, there was prayer but my church membership didn’t last. I got such heavy eyebags they can hold quite a few bars of gold. After my employment ended, Li wrote an email to Luke stating me as the ex-gf. I know we have already broken off a couple of times but seeing the status in type plus it being said to someone outside of us made me sit up straight to have it sink deep into the plushes of my heart. The next few days saw me meeting the people in his living family, Luke and Agnes. It’s not nice to say that his aunt and grandma are dead family, but if you want me to put it plainly: the family you do most with and feel most comfortable with would be the current and living one. I felt comfortable with them.
Enough said, then the events were followed by a phone call in which he said, “you can’t drag me into a hole. I have to work and can’t give you attention all the time.” I can’t believe what I heard not because of the words, but because of what I am now in contrast to three years back when I held a job (wasnt seeking attention) and hadn’t started appeasing relatives who have raised me in one way or another. But it was a good choice to. Brings back memories. It’s kampongish how I was raised: young aunt would play games like monopoly and card games, elder aunt would be the one to demand strict discipline and education. She taught us to swim. My mum would never return home unless she needed sleep and her role was to put me through school and never say no to whatever I wished to buy or needed in school. I know I used to complain that she spent all her money bringing me along to holidays she herself would enjoy, me acting rather like company, and I would very much have preferred if she acted like a mom much more and treated herself better. But acting her company did have it’s perks: I got to see a few other places outside of Singapo
re. Whenever we come home, she would say: nothing beats Singapore: so clean and green. She also adds everytime we get home that she has spent every penny with a slight sigh in her voice. So it did come across that the travels aren’t always what she wanted to do.
Well those days of 8.30am to 6pm malady are over. And because I hid in my room till the time I got my compensation pay cheque, I paid off my debt and am now living a free woman. Spent the last 2 months reducing my possessions to as close as nothing as possible. Still struggling to keep the boy on the straight and narrow yet not being a watchdog, and playing catch up with memory and the gym at the mo.